I earned the “North” part of my name at the age of 14. I was uprooted from my Georgia roots and placed in a city that ROARED. A city that could have very easily swallowed me up. Philly. The City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection….Issa Lie Y’all. It is a flat out LIE! You know what city could be called the City of Brotherly Love? Atlanta. The city I left. My home. You know what Philly should be called? The city of cold AF winters and window air conditioner units in the summer.

At 17 I graduated from high school. Almost feels like I left all my friendships when I started college. It’s not really clear if I dropped off the friendship map or if they did. Facebook was relatively new back then and a college email address was required. This meant, unlike today, if you didn’t take the next step in your education, I wasn’t checkin for you on The Book. It wasn’t until recently that I even tried to exam the part I played in those friendships diminishing. I honestly think it stems from my nomadic upbringing. We moved a lot. Which meant, friends would come and go and I would undoubtedly move on without hesitation. Pretty sure it’s why I have a “fuck it” attitude with just about everything.   

One key phase in my life that really allowed me to check myself and look in the mirror was my pregnancy with baby number 1. Friends I had spent the last three years of my life with in grad school disappeared. I made efforts to reach out to most of my classmates turned friends. Ultimately, they too faded out. Per usual, I moved on. To me there were more important things to think of. Having baby number 1 for sure aided in other relationships flourishing. Friendships I didn’t really understand until I became a mom.

While some friendships will last for a season (day parties in the spring, rooftop cocktails in the summer, club let outs in the fall), others are lifelong and sustainable. At 18 I met the best friend anyone could ask for. Ironically enough, she introduced me to my husband and changed the trajectory of my life. Quite honestly, my life wouldn’t be what it is today without her. That being said, we went through a strange two-three year patch. I relocated from Philly to D.C. and we managed to still talk and see each other frequently. That is until I became a mom. While her friendship was super important to me, I didn’t really understand how to manage having a personal life of my own and still be there for my daughter and my partner. During this time period it was tough for us. She missed me and I missed her. Our visits were infrequent and relied heavily on her taking the trip because I couldn’t leave my baby. We had chats often about us continuing to be there for each other but those calls left me confused. Why couldn’t she understand how different my life was now? I’m sure on her end I was being a terrible friend. If we’re calling a spade, a spade I can admit I was. I wasn’t all that emotionally available to her and her ability to find a new best friend made me a bit jealous. It made me feel as if she really didn’t need me anymore. I do know how illogical that sounds; #judgeyourmom!

It wasn’t until she became pregnant that it felt like our friendship was back on the upswing. We were able to apologize and continue to shine our light and love on each other from a distance. This friend has literally been through every significant moment in my life as an adult and she is not just a seasonal friend but a permanent fixture in our family.

I’ve come to realize that friendships are just as important as my marriage. Time with my girlfriends and chats on the phone are key to my mental wellbeing and play an instrumental role in the Brittani I present to my husband and my children. If I am unable to cultivate lasting and true friendships, how will I be able to teach my daughters the meaning of being a good friend? Having a baby changes you in ways that are unimaginable. The people that are there when the dust settles, those are the people that will wholeheartedly love not only you but your children. A common thread amongst my very diverse tribe of women is that we pray for each other. We may not talk frequently but we do ask god to cover our families. That is what makes our friendships worthwhile.   

Shout out to my beautiful tribe of ladies that have gotten me through some of the most emotional times in my life: Myeisa, Sherrie, Maleeca, Anita, Dominia, India, and the Brittany’s

Alexa, play What About Your Friends