Today is one of those days when I sit at work and work mindlessly. I’m on autopilot. I can literally assist a student with my eyes closed and still do the job above most. I’m struggling with feeling of not reaching my full potential.

I like to think I’m pretty dope. Like, well educated, well read, easy going (most of the time), good sense of humor, kick ass mom, and great companion. Internally, I wonder daily if it is possible to have it all. How can I do the work that feeds my soul and still pay my bills? I’m borderline obsessed with all things mommy and baby. Unfortunately, I can’t jump off the deep end and dive into the world of doula work.

My entire life I’ve felt like I was meant to be a creative being. A person that legit stays away from mainstream ideas of perfection and just provided a space for support and love for people. I went through a phase when I wanted to work with at risk youth and help combat recidivism rates for first time offenders (hints my major in college). Then I thought, I would like to open a youth center geared towards minority youth to teach life skills (hints my graduate degree). Now, here I am, on a new path which for all intents and purposes was born from the birth of my child. The struggle I’m having is, is it too late to be this carefree person I so desperately hoped I’d become?

Realistically, I know the answer is hell yeah. Here’s why…

One thing for sure and two things for certain, being a grown up ain’t cheap. Being a homeowner cost. Driving my car cost. Daycare, food, clothes, shoes, health insurance, car insurance, all cost cash dollars. Plundering through life as if I’m 19 is not an option. At 19 I was working full time and living like an adult and not a child…I missed the boat. Not at anyone’s fault but my own, I thought that there was no room to be frivolous. The luxury of self discovery didn’t apply to me and I could only be practical.

So here I am, a few months shy of 30. I absolutely love the person I am right now I just need to find a way to make myself proud. In an effort to find clarity and restore my joy outside of my family, I will be using Lent to really focus on me. I will be rereading The Purpose Driven Life and actually journal this time.  I use to write music and poems. I used to literally, look up at the stars at night. I use to pray more. Ironically, I use to pray for everything I currently have. I’m not Catholic but I went to Catholic colleges for both degrees and was raised in a Catholic household in high school. There is something to be said for those who can be successful in their quest during Lent. Hopefully, I come out of this feeling something new. The fact of the matter is God’s grace has always been upon me, the next 40 days will be no different.

xoxo

-Brit